ये जुदाई !!

हँसा देती है जो रोते रोते  ,
रुला देती जो हँसते हँसते ,
यादो में कर दे जो जीना मुश्किल,
टूटने पे कर दे जो बिखरना  मुश्किल,
तोड़ देती जो पूरी तरह,
जोड़ती  जो बिना किसी वजह,
सिखाती जो करना बन्दगी ,
कभी कर देती जो मुश्किल ज़िन्दगी ,
पिघला देती जो सुलगी हुई सी समां को,
 रुला देती जो हँसते हुए इक इंसा को ,
मोड़ देती जो सावन की झड़ी को ,
आँसुओ से भर देती जो मेरी अँखियो को,
नाम मे है जिसके बस जो तन्हाई,
समझ लेना तब की, है ये जो तन्हाई,
बस इसी का नाम है जुदाई!
बस इसी का नाम है ये जुदाई!!

Times of DEPRESSION !

This life has been good so far. As in I haven`t seen a straight line going on but a nice zig-zag. And that is what it is meant to be. Ups and downs. Life is in falling down and then getting up again. But what if you face the same phase continuously for 8-9 years in a row?

Still at 22, and the last many years that I remember were certainly of a very negative depressive phase. I don`t remember even a single day when I laughed full heartily or enjoyed anything in that period. I took that as a normal thing happening to me and even no one in the family could figure out something wrong happening with me. But that was my life then like a hollow stuff inside a cube.
All my 03 years of graduation at Hansraj in Delhi went like that phase. I felt like a looser who had nothing to enjoy, nothing to even read or nothing to do in a nutshell. I made myself to feel a lot inferior to others but I tried solving that at various levels. Friends at many occasions would ask - why I suddenly left the freshers party or why I didn`t come to attend fests and I had no reply to give to them. I didn`t even attend my own farewell. And that was my biggest mistake. Finally, it all ended in a graduation failure and I, kind of, expected that. I didn`t actually deserve to pass. I never did anything that could prove my being a Hansarian. I consulted a psychologist at Max Hospital and that didn`t help either. 

Then I had a chance to attend TISS and APU in next two years of period and the situation was no better. I avoided meeting people. I tried to avoid all those occasions where I was supposed to be with people with a smile on the face. It seemed much harder to fake a smile. I was clearly not happy being myself at any stage of the time. This was depression.

Then going in rounds and back to Delhi earlier this year. This was the time when things started getting better. I could point pout where I needed to work on. Though the phase remained the same but this time, I had options to avoid that negative feeling. I would go to some cafes and sit alone and eat or would go to university and attend some random conferences. At times, I was at peace with myself and able to concentrate a lot more and thus made it to pass this time. So, I was able to come back again to APU . But the phase remained the same. Nothing much changed.
Then one right thing I did at that point of the time was that I shared what I was feeling with Himanshu sir who was my mentor and guide at the university. That gave me confidence that I can come out of this but still the ways for that were not clear. I had no clue. He suggested to go to counselling center but I didn`t feel right going in there. Then I did the unexpected.
I went to Apollo Hospitals to seek help from a Psychiatrist. Luckily, I was in the right hands of Dr. Srinivas Reddy and I was able to put my feelings in front of him and he made me feel so comfortable out there. Then the medications started that included a high dosage of sleeping pill with one other pill.
After three months today, I feel better than ever. I have never felt so good about myself. I am at peace with my thoughts and with feelings. I am on the moon. I am happy as ever. Had I not seeked for help, things would have remained the same. But the destiny had something else written. And now I do understand why at first place I failed. Because I was to feel being at the moon after graduating. I was to be in Bangalore at this point of the time and I am here.
I had some close friends who suggested to remain calm and at peace and that helped at times. And I am thankful for their advice. Anything could have happened otherwise. I even thought of committing suicide. Seriously. Things were much worse than my words appear to be. But I am alive and I am here and loving it. No regrets.
I would suggest it to everyone facing the same to seek for the help. There is no shame in doing that. We need help at times and we are supposed to go for that. We would feel better and happy. This is life. You are not sure about tomorrow but you can certainly make your today to be a happy time. 

Bucket List for LIFE :)

This is fun. This is love. This is for me. This is to remind me everyday what I have been made for:

1. I wish to have my parents with me always. I don`t want to hurt them anyway.

2. I want to be in love as I`ve always been. That feeling is just amazing.

3. I want to travel as much as I can. But may be on two tickets from next time onward.

4. I want to give warm notes in writing to those whom I love.

5. I want to write about stuffs. On anything.

6. I want to help those who need my help.

7. I want to be comfortable with my body, with my uniqueness-es and with everything related to me.

8. I would like to work with any of these three for life- UNICEF, The Indian Express and Thebetterindia.com.

9. I want to experience pain. I want to cry.

10. I want to fail. I want to succeed.

11. I want to give love and happiness to my younger sisters.

12. I want to read as much as I can.

13. I want to quit smoking. (I`ve done it already!)

14. I want to accept things as they happen to me.

15. I want to marry someone who understands me and accepts me as I am. I shall accept her as she is.

16. I want to tell people about their good deeds and habits. I want to make them smile.

17. I want to remain close to my friends for whom my existence matters.

18. I want to think positively regarding everything. No negative stuff.

19. I want to work on the issue of mental health.

20. I want to go to Norway at least once in my lifetime. And if I die, please bury me somewhere in Norway.

21. I want to dance someday. Full heartily. Without tensions.

22. I want to live everyday without dying.

23. I want to spread happiness and love.

24. I want to live life of a monk in Himalayas for some days. Or for lifetime may be.

25. I want to do bungee jumping. I want to experience that worldly feeling.

26. I want to fly. As in flying a plane.

27. I never want to pretend someone else that I`m not. I want to be myself.

Why you should travel alone?

When it comes to the travelling, you`re never sure whether you should go with your family or with your friends or you should prefer going out alone. And what I would obviously suggest is to go alone and there are reasons for that. There are fears in mind while getting starting for the travel but that is what travelling does to you- it takes the fear out of you and hence you can be fearless. Fear of solitude is a big reason people not opting for going alone. Below are the reasons why you should just pack your stuff and go out alone for travel-

1. You`re a free soul.

Yes. You`re a free soul and hence you should travel alone. Hain? 
Remember, You`re a wanderer in your life where this life is supposed to be your journey without any destination and journeys are the real destinations when you decide to just wander. So this is for you only. To discover your own true self. There is no space for anyone else here. 

    2. Appreciate things. 

For a normal human being( is there anyone?), it is hard in today`s world to appreciate things without judging. And when you start travelling alone, on your own way, you start appreciating things which you come across and that makes you beautiful from inside. This is to break that negative cycle which we have created in our minds for no apparent reason. 

3. You become more patient.

I just love waiting. Yeah. You travel alone and then you face situations where you`re just supposed to wait and you then start loving the waiting part of your journeys. You become more patient in your day to day life too. That is the biggest gain of travelling alone.

4. You understand people.

Without judging, you start understanding people by just observing them. You will automatically love observing, not just people, but almost everything and that will fill your eyes with wonders. Wonders of love. Wonders of nature. Wonders of knowing things. Wonders of observing with wonders of understanding.

5. A quick-fixer.

Your mind will automatically work in fixing issues. A wonderful benefit of going out alone to far away places. Whenever you face anything difficult, you`re the one who come to your own rescue and this makes you a quick fixer of things. 

6. You know the right use of things you carry.

Normally we waste a lot of our important time on doing bogus things on internet or on you-tube or wherever. But when you know you`re somewhere outside and alone, you do things that help you in saving your time and energy that you can use later on and you know the right use of things.

7. You love more.

And the last, but certainly not the least, you love more when you travel more. You love yourself and that is the ultimate key you carry with you to handle almost everything that you face. You love places. You love wonders. You love people. You love spending time with strangers. You love everything and that is what universe wants you to carry.

Love.

Obviously, there are certain more reasons attached to the travelling alone part like you get a lot of time to talk with strangers whom you might not know at the beginning but you don`t know the endings. And usually, the endings are happy. You observe a lot more and that certainly makes you unique. You look for things that people forget to in day to day lives. 

Travel as far as you can. This is the only life you have and you`re not sure what will happen next. Make it large.