Times of DEPRESSION !

This life has been good so far. As in I haven`t seen a straight line going on but a nice zig-zag. And that is what it is meant to be. Ups and downs. Life is in falling down and then getting up again. But what if you face the same phase continuously for 8-9 years in a row?

Still at 22, and the last many years that I remember were certainly of a very negative depressive phase. I don`t remember even a single day when I laughed full heartily or enjoyed anything in that period. I took that as a normal thing happening to me and even no one in the family could figure out something wrong happening with me. But that was my life then like a hollow stuff inside a cube.
All my 03 years of graduation at Hansraj in Delhi went like that phase. I felt like a looser who had nothing to enjoy, nothing to even read or nothing to do in a nutshell. I made myself to feel a lot inferior to others but I tried solving that at various levels. Friends at many occasions would ask - why I suddenly left the freshers party or why I didn`t come to attend fests and I had no reply to give to them. I didn`t even attend my own farewell. And that was my biggest mistake. Finally, it all ended in a graduation failure and I, kind of, expected that. I didn`t actually deserve to pass. I never did anything that could prove my being a Hansarian. I consulted a psychologist at Max Hospital and that didn`t help either. 

Then I had a chance to attend TISS and APU in next two years of period and the situation was no better. I avoided meeting people. I tried to avoid all those occasions where I was supposed to be with people with a smile on the face. It seemed much harder to fake a smile. I was clearly not happy being myself at any stage of the time. This was depression.

Then going in rounds and back to Delhi earlier this year. This was the time when things started getting better. I could point pout where I needed to work on. Though the phase remained the same but this time, I had options to avoid that negative feeling. I would go to some cafes and sit alone and eat or would go to university and attend some random conferences. At times, I was at peace with myself and able to concentrate a lot more and thus made it to pass this time. So, I was able to come back again to APU . But the phase remained the same. Nothing much changed.
Then one right thing I did at that point of the time was that I shared what I was feeling with Himanshu sir who was my mentor and guide at the university. That gave me confidence that I can come out of this but still the ways for that were not clear. I had no clue. He suggested to go to counselling center but I didn`t feel right going in there. Then I did the unexpected.
I went to Apollo Hospitals to seek help from a Psychiatrist. Luckily, I was in the right hands of Dr. Srinivas Reddy and I was able to put my feelings in front of him and he made me feel so comfortable out there. Then the medications started that included a high dosage of sleeping pill with one other pill.
After three months today, I feel better than ever. I have never felt so good about myself. I am at peace with my thoughts and with feelings. I am on the moon. I am happy as ever. Had I not seeked for help, things would have remained the same. But the destiny had something else written. And now I do understand why at first place I failed. Because I was to feel being at the moon after graduating. I was to be in Bangalore at this point of the time and I am here.
I had some close friends who suggested to remain calm and at peace and that helped at times. And I am thankful for their advice. Anything could have happened otherwise. I even thought of committing suicide. Seriously. Things were much worse than my words appear to be. But I am alive and I am here and loving it. No regrets.
I would suggest it to everyone facing the same to seek for the help. There is no shame in doing that. We need help at times and we are supposed to go for that. We would feel better and happy. This is life. You are not sure about tomorrow but you can certainly make your today to be a happy time.