ये जुदाई !!

हँसा देती है जो रोते रोते  ,
रुला देती जो हँसते हँसते ,
यादो में कर दे जो जीना मुश्किल,
टूटने पे कर दे जो बिखरना  मुश्किल,
तोड़ देती जो पूरी तरह,
जोड़ती  जो बिना किसी वजह,
सिखाती जो करना बन्दगी ,
कभी कर देती जो मुश्किल ज़िन्दगी ,
पिघला देती जो सुलगी हुई सी समां को,
 रुला देती जो हँसते हुए इक इंसा को ,
मोड़ देती जो सावन की झड़ी को ,
आँसुओ से भर देती जो मेरी अँखियो को,
नाम मे है जिसके बस जो तन्हाई,
समझ लेना तब की, है ये जो तन्हाई,
बस इसी का नाम है जुदाई!
बस इसी का नाम है ये जुदाई!!

Times of DEPRESSION !

This life has been good so far. As in I haven`t seen a straight line going on but a nice zig-zag. And that is what it is meant to be. Ups and downs. Life is in falling down and then getting up again. But what if you face the same phase continuously for 8-9 years in a row?

Still at 22, and the last many years that I remember were certainly of a very negative depressive phase. I don`t remember even a single day when I laughed full heartily or enjoyed anything in that period. I took that as a normal thing happening to me and even no one in the family could figure out something wrong happening with me. But that was my life then like a hollow stuff inside a cube.
All my 03 years of graduation at Hansraj in Delhi went like that phase. I felt like a looser who had nothing to enjoy, nothing to even read or nothing to do in a nutshell. I made myself to feel a lot inferior to others but I tried solving that at various levels. Friends at many occasions would ask - why I suddenly left the freshers party or why I didn`t come to attend fests and I had no reply to give to them. I didn`t even attend my own farewell. And that was my biggest mistake. Finally, it all ended in a graduation failure and I, kind of, expected that. I didn`t actually deserve to pass. I never did anything that could prove my being a Hansarian. I consulted a psychologist at Max Hospital and that didn`t help either. 

Then I had a chance to attend TISS and APU in next two years of period and the situation was no better. I avoided meeting people. I tried to avoid all those occasions where I was supposed to be with people with a smile on the face. It seemed much harder to fake a smile. I was clearly not happy being myself at any stage of the time. This was depression.

Then going in rounds and back to Delhi earlier this year. This was the time when things started getting better. I could point pout where I needed to work on. Though the phase remained the same but this time, I had options to avoid that negative feeling. I would go to some cafes and sit alone and eat or would go to university and attend some random conferences. At times, I was at peace with myself and able to concentrate a lot more and thus made it to pass this time. So, I was able to come back again to APU . But the phase remained the same. Nothing much changed.
Then one right thing I did at that point of the time was that I shared what I was feeling with Himanshu sir who was my mentor and guide at the university. That gave me confidence that I can come out of this but still the ways for that were not clear. I had no clue. He suggested to go to counselling center but I didn`t feel right going in there. Then I did the unexpected.
I went to Apollo Hospitals to seek help from a Psychiatrist. Luckily, I was in the right hands of Dr. Srinivas Reddy and I was able to put my feelings in front of him and he made me feel so comfortable out there. Then the medications started that included a high dosage of sleeping pill with one other pill.
After three months today, I feel better than ever. I have never felt so good about myself. I am at peace with my thoughts and with feelings. I am on the moon. I am happy as ever. Had I not seeked for help, things would have remained the same. But the destiny had something else written. And now I do understand why at first place I failed. Because I was to feel being at the moon after graduating. I was to be in Bangalore at this point of the time and I am here.
I had some close friends who suggested to remain calm and at peace and that helped at times. And I am thankful for their advice. Anything could have happened otherwise. I even thought of committing suicide. Seriously. Things were much worse than my words appear to be. But I am alive and I am here and loving it. No regrets.
I would suggest it to everyone facing the same to seek for the help. There is no shame in doing that. We need help at times and we are supposed to go for that. We would feel better and happy. This is life. You are not sure about tomorrow but you can certainly make your today to be a happy time. 

Bucket List for LIFE :)

This is fun. This is love. This is for me. This is to remind me everyday what I have been made for:

1. I wish to have my parents with me always. I don`t want to hurt them anyway.

2. I want to be in love as I`ve always been. That feeling is just amazing.

3. I want to travel as much as I can. But may be on two tickets from next time onward.

4. I want to give warm notes in writing to those whom I love.

5. I want to write about stuffs. On anything.

6. I want to help those who need my help.

7. I want to be comfortable with my body, with my uniqueness-es and with everything related to me.

8. I would like to work with any of these three for life- UNICEF, The Indian Express and Thebetterindia.com.

9. I want to experience pain. I want to cry.

10. I want to fail. I want to succeed.

11. I want to give love and happiness to my younger sisters.

12. I want to read as much as I can.

13. I want to quit smoking. (I`ve done it already!)

14. I want to accept things as they happen to me.

15. I want to marry someone who understands me and accepts me as I am. I shall accept her as she is.

16. I want to tell people about their good deeds and habits. I want to make them smile.

17. I want to remain close to my friends for whom my existence matters.

18. I want to think positively regarding everything. No negative stuff.

19. I want to work on the issue of mental health.

20. I want to go to Norway at least once in my lifetime. And if I die, please bury me somewhere in Norway.

21. I want to dance someday. Full heartily. Without tensions.

22. I want to live everyday without dying.

23. I want to spread happiness and love.

24. I want to live life of a monk in Himalayas for some days. Or for lifetime may be.

25. I want to do bungee jumping. I want to experience that worldly feeling.

26. I want to fly. As in flying a plane.

27. I never want to pretend someone else that I`m not. I want to be myself.

Why you should travel alone?

When it comes to the travelling, you`re never sure whether you should go with your family or with your friends or you should prefer going out alone. And what I would obviously suggest is to go alone and there are reasons for that. There are fears in mind while getting starting for the travel but that is what travelling does to you- it takes the fear out of you and hence you can be fearless. Fear of solitude is a big reason people not opting for going alone. Below are the reasons why you should just pack your stuff and go out alone for travel-

1. You`re a free soul.

Yes. You`re a free soul and hence you should travel alone. Hain? 
Remember, You`re a wanderer in your life where this life is supposed to be your journey without any destination and journeys are the real destinations when you decide to just wander. So this is for you only. To discover your own true self. There is no space for anyone else here. 

    2. Appreciate things. 

For a normal human being( is there anyone?), it is hard in today`s world to appreciate things without judging. And when you start travelling alone, on your own way, you start appreciating things which you come across and that makes you beautiful from inside. This is to break that negative cycle which we have created in our minds for no apparent reason. 

3. You become more patient.

I just love waiting. Yeah. You travel alone and then you face situations where you`re just supposed to wait and you then start loving the waiting part of your journeys. You become more patient in your day to day life too. That is the biggest gain of travelling alone.

4. You understand people.

Without judging, you start understanding people by just observing them. You will automatically love observing, not just people, but almost everything and that will fill your eyes with wonders. Wonders of love. Wonders of nature. Wonders of knowing things. Wonders of observing with wonders of understanding.

5. A quick-fixer.

Your mind will automatically work in fixing issues. A wonderful benefit of going out alone to far away places. Whenever you face anything difficult, you`re the one who come to your own rescue and this makes you a quick fixer of things. 

6. You know the right use of things you carry.

Normally we waste a lot of our important time on doing bogus things on internet or on you-tube or wherever. But when you know you`re somewhere outside and alone, you do things that help you in saving your time and energy that you can use later on and you know the right use of things.

7. You love more.

And the last, but certainly not the least, you love more when you travel more. You love yourself and that is the ultimate key you carry with you to handle almost everything that you face. You love places. You love wonders. You love people. You love spending time with strangers. You love everything and that is what universe wants you to carry.

Love.

Obviously, there are certain more reasons attached to the travelling alone part like you get a lot of time to talk with strangers whom you might not know at the beginning but you don`t know the endings. And usually, the endings are happy. You observe a lot more and that certainly makes you unique. You look for things that people forget to in day to day lives. 

Travel as far as you can. This is the only life you have and you`re not sure what will happen next. Make it large.

वो मेरी !

मुकम्मल मेरी ज़िन्दगी जिसपे ,
वो इक खता सी, इक ज़ुबा सी,
मेरा आसमाँ ये ज़मी जिसकी ,
वो इक परी सी, इक पंछी सी !!

हो जहाँ भी, सिर्फ वो ही हो,
वो जो मेरी सी, थोड़ी पराई सी,
मौला खुदाया दे दो उसको,
वो जो ख़ुशी सी, इक रात सी !!

बारिश जैसी पिघली खामोशियां ,
वो इक शरारत सी, इक ख़ामोशी सी,
संगमरमर सी ख़ूबसूरती जिसकी,
वो थोड़ी अपनी सी, थोड़ी पराई सी!

उसकी याद !

आज अचानक से उसकी याद आई,
फिर उस समां , उस परवीन की याद आई ,
वो गुलशनों से भरी रौनक सी ,
वो मेरी हवाओं का समन्दर ,
वो मेरे ख़्वाबों का परवाना ,
आज फिर से इस दिल को छूने आई,
आज अचानक से उसकी याद आई !

वो हँसती , फूलों सी महकती हुई ,
वो कभी नीम तो कभी शहद हुई,
वो कभी आग सी धधकती हुई,
तो कभी हवाओं में बलखाती हुई ,
आज फिर से इस दिल को छूने आई,
आज अचानक से उसकी याद आई !

वो गुड़िया, जैसे हो प्यार की इक पुड़िया,
 वो मेरी हस्ती, वो  जैसे मेरी पूरी दुनिया ,
कभी दूर तो कभी वो बहुत पास हुई,
तो कभी सिर्फ एक अहसास सी हुई  ,
आज फिर से इस दिल को छूने आई,
आज अचानक से उसकी याद आई !

वो जिसके बिना अधूरी हर साँस ,
वो जो मेरे जीने की इक आस,
आज ठानी की आज उसको सब कहना है,
तुम अगर साथ हो तो ही मुझे जिन्दा रहना है,
वही, आज फिर से इस दिल को छूने आई ,
आज अचानक से उसकी याद आई !!!

Birthday series (03)- Sai VINDHYA

Sai, my safeplace! :-)
One more year. Furrr. And we two, literally, were in the same boat at the same place! No, no, but we're moving! Quite slow but steady at the end.
Khair, today is the day of my bestest and the brightest friend and I wish for you that you keep smiling and laughing always! I do like your laugh! Keep writing about the cool creative stuff and keep doing wonders! I love you!!
Happy birthday!!! :) cheers!

A thousand splendid suns~ Khaled H.

"Back? To Kabul?" he asks.
"Only if you want it too."
"Are you unhappy here? You seem happy. The children too."
"I am happy," Laila says. "Of course I am. But..where do we go from here, Tariq? How long do we stay? This isn't home. Kabul is, and back there so much is happening, a lot of it good. I want to be a part of it all. I want to do something. Do you understand?"
Tariq nods slowly. "This is what you want, then? You're sure?"
 "Yes." Laila says. "But only -only- if you want to go too."
Tariq smiles. The furrows from his brow clear, and for a brief moment he is the old Tariq again, the Tariq who did not get headaches , who had once said that in Siberia snot turned to ice before it hit the ground. It may be her imagination, but Laila believes there are more frequent sightings of the old Tariq these days.
"Me?" he says. "I'll follow you to the end of the world, Laila."
She pulls him close and kisses. She believes she has never loved him more than at this moment. "Thank you," she says, her forhead resting against his.
"Let's go home."

What to Choose- Love OR Food?

This might hurt some but these are personal thoughts. So, apologies.

I once read in one of the Osho quarterly magazines that people become obsessed with food only when they lose the capacity to love. And this statement definitely didn`t come as a shocking one to me. I just read it curiously as I always had some thoughts like this one earlier. All my life I compared myself with others on almost all basis- be it physical, mental, social or academic. This comparison came quite naturally to me but there was one difference that I always noticed- food!

Is this making any sense? It will.

When a baby gets birth, his first contact with the world is the mother`s breast. This is his entry into the world and the breast becomes the symbol for him of two things: food and love. Whenever the mother is loving, her breast is available and whenever the mother is unloving, her breast is not available. Food and love this way become associated. It becomes so unconsciously rooted that you repeat it your whole life.

If the child knows that the mother loves him, he will not drink too much, because he knows, he is secure; whenever he needs the mother her breast will be available. If the child is insecure and feels that next time the mother may not be available, he will start eating too much.

The point is simple. Whenever love is there, there is security and a kind of fulfillment and the child never becomes obsessed with food. If love is not there, there is insecurity, fear, and a kind of emptiness, and the child stuffs that emptiness with food.

For the same reasons, for the people of the West, weight is becoming more and more of a problem as mothers are not ready to give their breasts to their children. There is fear of losing the shape and making the woman look old has gripped the mind of women so deeply that they are afraid to give their breasts to their children. And they are creating an obsession about food in the child unknowingly.

This above was simply copied from the magazine. But it is really close to the heart as I have myself observed this applying it on many and on myself as well. This has helped me to grow as a human being to expand the boundaries of love and share it freely. There is high need to learn the love. And this lack of love is the basic cause of gaining weight. One can lose his/her weight by doing a lot of trainings and going on a strict diet but sooner or later he/she will start gaining weight. The root cause is still there. There is need to tackle the root cause- the lack of love as it is missing somewhere in the life.

But the happy news out of this is that this obsession with food is nothing of a problem but just a symptom. Love is the real problem- love more. And if you love more, you will be loved more. And I am happy to be a leaner who is not obsessed with the food.

(At least I got a way to answer those who always talk about my weight!) 

FALLEN

We hear and we forget, we see and we remember, we do and we understand! ~ Confucius, a Chinese philosopher.

These above lines make life easier in the case of mistakes committed by one. Obviously, until unless we commit mistakes, we usually don`t get our lesson. And that’s what happened in this case too.

But nonetheless, it was a fine battle with my beloved Mathematics for five straight years.

That one mark has certainly helped me to fill my scars for the good and helped me to grow as a human being. I would have remained the same if it was not happened and I obviously owe to this failure. It is like I fell into the space of many greats who earlier failed to succeed later. These are clearly the signs of the life where you don`t know what exactly is going to happen next. This struggle is the clear sign.

And there are some lessons learnt-

Thank you one mark for making me realize yet again that it is only your family which always would come to your rescue to help you out of these situations and nobody else has nothing to do whatever you do except a handful of loyal ones. And thank you for forcing me to remain alone for a long period of time and I really have got no complains for that. I am happy that I could fall in love with myself all over again and with the solitude and this is a happy feeling. This has certainly helped me to overcome the fear of solitude among many others. I would have not come to know a beautiful me had I not failed. This has made me strong for the good reasons.

I got to realize that I have got nothing to prove to anyone and there is nothing that anyone can do for me either. Life is a mix of paradoxes but it definitely lies in the process of learning. Life is in learning itself. Quoting one elderly scientist from BARC, Bombay who met me in a park and said me these beautiful lines that that if we keep this process of learning alive, we would never die. The paradox is nothing but to keep learning. And these failures make us learn and help us to become beautiful- open to learning, open to growing and open to understanding this process of life which is in ups and downs.

Thanks to Bhavna mam for guiding me through all this by understanding the weaknesses and the fears and for being a wonderful guide to me. I really owe a lot to you and I would never forget the way you handled my case and encouraged me to go happily through this process.

Thank you Hansraj for not letting me go out of your gates at that time as I still had a lot to learn and unlearn before graduating! I was clearly not good enough if I actually see it today to be a part of you at the starting and it made me feel inferior to others. I wish I had managed to cope through that different down feeling but I couldn`t and it ended in a failure. The ending was not that good. But I have got enough time now to change that ending and to realize the importance of earlier being a student of an elite college. Thank you Hansraj for this mix of feelings and emotions.

I feel lucky and equally blessed to go through such a process at an early age and I hope this would help me in coming days to cope with different feelings.
Sometimes when we fall in the right way, the world turns over. And certainly, what felt like falling, yesterday, feels like flying, today.

I hope for many interesting days to be ahead!

Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.
~ Pema Chodron.

Compassionate LOVE!

To the wonderful two souls who have always talked to each other in the same language that they actually taught to their children- the language of love! And you two are simply the symbols of love for three of us.

Mummy, I know that you couldn`t study further after finishing seventh class because of the circumstances and that is the only thing you still give a miss but I want you to know that you`ve never failed to amaze three of us and that too on a regular basis. The way you managed to send your three children to the school and that too without a single miss, the way you have prepared yourself as a wife of a teacher, the way you never stopped learning, the way you encouraged three of us to study hard, the way you have handled yourself in a family like us which is an ‘educated’ one but you still managed to gain a huge respect from everyone, the way you have always welcomed all the relatives as if they are literally Gods and the way you taught us to respect our elders, I really feel blessed to have such a mother who may not have studied much but has the endless potentials to share the love! Not all can be that much of love giving. That is the thing which keeps you apart from others!

Papa, there are no exact words which could describe the care you have as a father for your children. Being a teacher, you`ve always encouraged us to read as much as we can and this is one of the things I would always owe to you. The way you`ve always loved our mother, the way you put your family always first, the way you have motivated three of us to face our fears, the way you have helped people irrespective of getting back something from them, the way you made efforts to teach us from the old texts of Hindi, the way you have allowed three of us to be ourselves and do whatever we have always wanted to do and for being a very sensitive human being who has always dreamed of better things for human kind, I can`t be on terms with the words which I could use for you! We all simply love you and that’s what we have learnt from you.

Many a times in different situations, there has come a time when one of you asked the other to put herself/himself at her/his place and tell what should be done or what could have been done? This compassionate way in which you have supported each other in your ups and downs is what I really want to see in my life too! There are a whole lot of things to learn from both of you. You two are the ones who never get tired of each other and want to be there together always. That is something really amazing.

I always remember one thing said by you (Papa) to me that -do you know why I don`t drink or smoke? I asked why and you replied- I know that I can afford both drinking and smoking on daily basis and many of my colleagues even do that too. But I simply don`t do any of that. Because I want you four people including your mother to be happy always and in order to do that, I will have to keep distance from the things which could destroy this happiness. I do not want to be insensitive towards you and I want that money to be spent on your hobbies and interests and on your books. As a father, I would do whatever I can and I would never expect much but your happiness in whatever you want to do. Just keep one thing in mind- never stop learning and never loose hope and I as a father will always be on your side.
And after hearing this, I simply cried for that time when I dared to disrespect both of you and then promised to myself that I won`t let that happen ever again!

There is this famous saying- Where there is love, there is no fear! And I have seen it from the very beginnings that you don`t fear each other and that is what helped you to get united in many down circumstances. We as children also don`t fear both of you and that is how we have grown in love. Pure love that is. 

You two are truly beautiful from inside-out. Thank you for showing us the way of love and compassion.

Happy 23!
02 MAY !

Thank you for being there always!

Birthday series (02)- NAVNEET MISHRA!

Happy birthday to the boy from the Bhojhpur land and to the one who managed to switch me into a pure Bihari all because of his own efforts!

For your over-teasing me on not being a graduate by now, for your amazing sense of dressing (not the humor!) and for your Bhai style tailored in Bombay, for making me share my clothes with you and you should be happy knowing the fact that you are the only one with whom I shared my clothes, for taking me for that amazing long ride on bike to my favorite place, for making me feel loved by your unique bihari styles, for having parties on many raw occasions, for asking me to lead your way for becoming SRC, for letting me fall in love with Kumar Vishwas` love poems, for teaching me some dressing sense as I was a fool in that, just take a bow!

And thank you for Aksh and Anshika and furnishing them permanently!

And I do hope that people at the hostel have now started recognizing the face of their SRC member since I`m not there! :P

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
14 APRIL!

Birthday series (01)- HARSHA and VARSHA!

Happy birthday to the two little TWIN sisters!
I know that I don`t make it to the list of `good` brothers as I never phone you first, nor I bring gifts for you, nor I show how much I love you two and nor I make you realize that I think a lot about both of you. But the truth is that any corner I may find, you two will always be the ones who come shuffling and bringing poetry along!
You are my two other souls! And I want both of you to know that your elder brother always cares for both of you and will always be there wherever you need him at any point of time! Life seems to be easy when you two are around smiling and laughing!
I have always hoped to have you around and watch the two faces I love!
Thank you sisters for being a wonderful part of my life and for being the most wonderful gift given by our parents to me!
I wish all the best for both of you and you`ll definitely make all of us proud!
I love both of you more than anything else in this world!
Happy 20th!
17 FEB!